


Barmaid and the Lionheart

by ScotCoyjedii



Series: A Hobbit's Harem [1]
Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, F/M, Female!Bilbo, Mild Language, unbetaed
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-26
Updated: 2015-08-06
Packaged: 2018-03-25 20:47:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 10
Words: 12,583
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3824548
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ScotCoyjedii/pseuds/ScotCoyjedii
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bella lost herself to his eyes long ago she isn't certain if he feels the same way.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Leo

**Author's Note:**

> I own nothing!  
> Rating went up due to my language.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> edited and re-edited to make it less , well vague. I'll finish the editing tomorrow start of semester tommorrow, night!  
> Warning: Mentions of peeping, lack of common sense,swearing and alcohol poisoning. Oh and some evil flowers that may or may not be magic flowers or something to do with hobbit magic.

Bella lost herself the moment she saw Thorin's blue eyes sharp as icicles yet solemn like he had seen too much in war at her door. Or was it lost too much in war? She wasn't sure as she was making a rough guess herself. She couldn't have imagined what he'd been through knowing full well that he was likely over a hundred (a rough estimate) and she couldn't fathom living past a hundred. Course she _had_ a lot on her mind of late a wedding she didn't want or need, the thought of marrying a Baggins who wasn't a Baggins in respectability. 

Earlier that same day:

This morning I agreed to let Gandalf bring company over Dwarves its been a while since I had such legendary drinkers and big eaters over anyway. It probably was not my best idea but what the hell? I was slowly going to die after I married Lotho anyway but either way I see it maybe just maybe their is a slim chance of me getting out of this marriage by going with them no matter the danger. I don't care much for the danger, that's irrelevant my wish to get out of this possible marriage by far outweighs the risk right? 

Lobelia wanted her to marry her son and I wanted to be left alone ... Well unlikely as that was now. I was half tempted to run for it and refuse but I couldn't at least not anymore. The smoke from my pipe died out the ashen remains of pipeweed being all that remained of the lovely weed it left me to think. I figured I already smoked too much after all I best stop before I get something like an addiction to it or the like.

  


'Bella dear are you fine?'Leo asked reapppearing at my side trying to get information out of me or comfort me. I couldn't decide which one as I sat on the bench in front of my smial still thinking over what Gandalf said when I agreed to let the dwarrow come over.

  
  


'Yes am I'm okay.' I said to him in hobbitish which is what he had always spoken between us. Hobbitish is the secret language of the hobbit's we guard it even more closely than the dwarves do Khuzdul. In our history from the first age until now only four outside our race could speak hobbitish fluently and none of them elves or men which is odd if you ask me.

  


This day was the strangest day in my adult life. As the remaining ashes from my pipe I spilt out onto the ground not exactly ladylike or nice to the earth at all but right now I was trying not to panic. I didn't want to marry I was trying to find a way out of this but I couldn't! I bloody well couldn't, the usually resourceful and extremely cunning Belladonna Bilba Baggins II couldn't think up a way out of a marital proposal! The thought of it made me sick well no sicker than the thought of sharing a marital bed to Lotho Sackville-Baggins. Ugh the very thought of that made my blood boil and my stomach churn I lost everything that day so long ago at least it feels that way it was only three months ago. And now I was losing it all over again to a petty marriage that I didn't want but got anyway. How aggravating is this?

  


The only reason I agreed to it all was because I was drunk out of my mind and seeing triple possibly because it was a new type of wine I was drinking and unbeknowist to me at least until a week later some nimrod at the party thought it would be genius to mix drinks. Unfortunately this person wasn't well verse on what to mix and what not to mix in alcohol terms several hobbits had to go to the hospital during and after the party due to alcohol poisoning. Ironic they only had two or three drinks before succumbing to this a rare occurrence for our kind due to our strong tolerance for alcohol (which supposedly surpasses that of a dwarves but not an elf's) I only had one before going home because I felt sick. 

I found out later that it just wasn't wine but mead as well and even an idiot who is drunk knows better than to do that as strong wildberry wine mixed with hobbit mead will lay out even the strongest constitution towards alcohol for a week. Two if you even the amount and drank more than one, wildberry wine is weaker than elven wine and is preferred over elven wine by dwarrows if they have a choice between the two. While hobbit mead is strong enough to make an elf fall over with one drink and tends to make the taller races sick for a week or more.

  


I spent a week with a hangover and never drank with those complete idiots ever again or drink alcohol at all in excess anymore I like all my remaining braincells being intact or as intact as hobbit-ly possible. Injury doesn't count in any case either lucky for me I'm not a klutz like some people I know and they are such pleasant people too! Easy to talk to yet again the clumsiness of movement impedes their everyday life sometimes no doubt it can feel like that.

  


'I would rather marry a dwarven Prince than Lotho!' I had screamed once long ago like fifteen years prior to this, I think. It's been I while though I _do_ distinctly remember shouting that when someone mentioned the match making between us, yuck I was at least twenty one maybe and he was at least barely a decade my junior. The only reason Lobelia even married so young and had kids at all was because of the blood lily flower, another one of those dozen or so odd plant species that only seem to react to a hobbit particularly a hobbit lass beyond the age of sixteen. They were odd in a sense because they were exceptionally rare but if picked by a hobbit lass beyond the tweenaged year of sixteen the flower will only keep for a little bit before turning to dust in the hands of a hobbit. It jump starts a blood moon fever which is rare nowadays even by hobbit standards, and considering that these magic flowers aren't fully understood by hobbit's. For the reason being as they aren't truly plants but they aren't magic fully either they are stuck in between the two. Lobelia managed to survive such an ordeal and found her Rose in the twenty year old Otho Sackville-Baggins in the process though anyone would have probably wanted it to turn out on more normal terms.

  


I got my dreaded wish now I was marrying the dreadful Lotho the freaking annoying as hell peeper who likes watching me naked from a bathroom window. How many times did I chase him away with my favorite hitting pan? Innumerable times, I don't know why he kept coming back did he like the threat of pain? The threat of being chased around with a hitting pan? Did he get off on it?

  


Later that same day after most of the company of dwarrrow's came to my smial surprised by the amount of food I prepaired, along with ducking away my dinner and the various desserts.

"Something wrong?"Gandalf asked innocently after they entered my home.

  


I said nothing ignoring him blankly I was giving him both the muteness and a cold shoulder at the same time after all why should I give him the time of day, especially when its already night.

  


For a moment I was unaware of where I was truly for a moment reality was nothing as I was outside in the front lawn cold compact icy snow under my feet, I followed the screams how foolish of me (I still care for my fellow hobbit's and anyone else that needs it). I heard only the wind and the wolves of the Fell Winter howling lucky for me I only saw only a flash and not overly long pieces that made reality disappear for minutes at a time. I felt another set of extreme anxiety overtaking me again all because of Lotho.

  


I refilled my pipe relighting it outside taking to the backyard. Taking out my cigarettes when I burnt out the remaining pipeweed in my pipe, I had an obvious smoking problem especially when I'm nervous. Maybe I should quit smoking? I should really consider at least cutting back on my smoking habits at least.

  


I had the same Old Toby a pipeweed that is held steadfast to hobbit's and is well liked by most races (including wizards), except elves I didn't know why but I often joked in my tweenaged years that it got the elves high. Alongside the elves in this lack of pipeweed are the ents who can't smoke plants because they _are_ plant's in a way and everyone knows ent's are critically endangered too so that would change the even possibility. They are extremely rare and their woman are even rarer than dwarrowdam's so such trade between a living tree creature with sentience (they thank Yavanna and the elves for giving them language). Blowing the smoke through my teeth and refusing to make smoke rings for fun even if I could make smoke rings. It felt like summer it wasn't cold out.

  
'Bella why are you out here?' Leo Took asked or at least his ghostly see through form.  
'Smoking the ciggys again?' Leo the ghost asked, leo used to be a cousin now he was six feet under but never left for whatever reason.  
I simply nodded at his colored yet see through form.  
'Guess that's to be expected and all you never wanted to marry Lotho.' He figured it out so soon he must have spied on Lobelia while I was getting ready for the dwarves tonight.  
A ghostly hand was on my shoulder, it looked like he saw how miserable I must have been. He disappeared just as quickly as he came as ghost's tend to do when they make their full body form known to us.  


I groaned putting out a cigarette in the ashtray nearby knowing full well I had to quit smoking like now. Before I got something bad happening to my lungs or something though I never heard of anyone dying because of pipeweed smoking. Hobbit's came up with idea of smoking the pipeweed and it caught on soon after with many others taking to it as well.

  


I went back in after they tossed around my dishes! Wait they were singing a tune to the later part of it too the bastards! I watched in horror as my mother's over a hundred year old west farthing cockery was thrown around like it wasn't fragile dishware. I couldn't bring myself to care outwardly inwardly I was panicking screaming at me to do something run around and attempt to stop them it was all Lotho's now. I couldn't bring myself to interrupt, Yavanna what was wrong with me? Why am I doing nothing? Everything was his now even before I said my own vows to that surely hobbit it sent shockwaves as I realized I just couldn't marry or risk becoming like this perminantly hiding inside myself complacent to do nothing while the world fell apart. THAT WASN'T ME! It wasn't at all like me at all a hard knock came to my door it almost hard enough to break down the door.

  


"He's here."Gandalf said smoking his pipe.

  
"Thank Yavanna for that observation Gandalf. You think he could have knocked any harder? Or perhaps broken the door like your lot attempted to force to door open for some reason." I snapped showing a bit of crude humor.  


I opened the door and said nothing more about that subject. I didn't even react to being called a barmaid I just stared blankly at him temporarily seeing in his place the bastard Lotho in front of me. _Really Bells you got to snap out of this facade it's unlike you, after all are you not Belladonna Took's daughter? I roared at the complacent me and my lack of actions toward the outside world as of now._

  
"Gandalf I thought you said this place would be easy to find I lost my way, twice." The black haired dwarf said his voice was calm. His breathing wasn't normal like he was slightly winded like he walked the rest of the way here. He should have come on a pony at least a pony has an apparently better sense of direction, I inwardly snorted at that and outwardly I stifled a snicker. His head snapped in my direction he narrowed his eyes at me glaring at my stifled snicker at the situation of his.  


"So this is the hobbit? Gandalf you said the hobbit was a Bilbo Baggins. This hobbit or is it hobbitess?" He seemed a bit confused on what a female hobbit was called for a moment at least he recovered easily. If he was uncomfortable he didn't let it show so easy his face was a emotionless mask one fit for someone who might end up being king one day.

"This is obviously not a certain Bilbo Baggins at least not the one you were speaking of." He said through a displeased scowl, he looked as if he was angered like he'd been lied to this wouldn't surprise me it was Gandalf after all he was prone to lying at times. That set my blood to hot right their this dwarf didn't realize it at the time but he should tred carefully. As usual people underestimated me due to my status as a hobbit or 'a halfling' for our kind size doesn't matter as the bigger the foe is the harder they fall our size means nothing it just means we can move faster than these overgrown thugs that often were the lesser refined bigfolk (usually the lot you didn't want to be around). It seems to be a reoccurring theme with trouble either finding me or I attract just outright terrible people like moth's to a flame. Stupid moth's don't they realize they'll get burned if they get too close to the flame? I suppose not considering a moth can't help being attracted to light for some reason.

  


My own fury once stoked slightly and then repeatedly stoked could result in a relentless raging Inferno he seems intent on creating such an event whether or not he realizes it I don't care. The idiot seemed intent on pressing my own tolerance for such insolent behavior, and invoking my own wrath due to it. His luck would be tested beyond my own limits if I allowed it and right now I don't think I will allow it no matter who the hell he was. Unfortunately I _never_ allowed such people to go that far as I refused to be walked on , well usually at least. Right now it seems that I seemed to started to listen to my own inner self and came out of my own hiding inside myself.

  


"That is my hobbitish middle name, Master dwarf." I said icily. I was just barely managing to keep it together so I didn't do something extremely stupid I refused to call him by his name because I didn't want to give him the time of day or let him know that I knew who he was almost immediately.

  
"Odd." He stated, his heart rate seemed to speed up my own ears picked that up easy. Why was his heart rate speeding up? Such didn't just happen without reason as he easily recovered from his trek on foot. Dwarven endurance at its finest, that's probably somewhere along the lines of stamina as well for dwarves.  
"This is the leader of our company Thorin Oakenshield." Gandalf introduced me to his likes.  
"I know who he is." I said blandly. I couldn't forget his face or anything how many dwarves have come to me demanding his death. I wasn't an assassin after all, though those dwarves did manage to die in an accident a few months later probably created by some other guys that caught onto their ploy to kill him and got them killed in retailiation for such a action or plot. By means I won't go into details or anything of the sort I will just say that I found out through a manner of means. The very sentence I said invoked likely some powerful feelings of doubt and suspicion from the dwarves present.  
"How?" Thorin questioned no the bastard had the audacity to _demand_ that I answer all the while scrutinizing me. He never met me before so he was likely immediately suspicious of my very presence. Good first impression, likely one he'll never forget. Not like I ever could forget how many times people came to me asking for me to kill him apparently they couldn't tell the difference between a ninja and a trained assassin.  
"I cannot reveal my sources." I spat his arrogance was disgusting I saw my to-be-husband for a moment in him and grew furious quite easily at the very thought.  
"What is your weapon of choice?" he asked me not realizing how much trouble he was in, I saw Lotho instead of him. I had enough of this bullshit and interrogation I had been insulted by my own family who for three years after coming of age defended my lack of marriage in public but behind closed doors it was different. I won't even think about what they said and how angry it made me.

"Ax or sword?" He prodded further I should have walked away right then and there. I didn't and as always I would pay the price often by making terrible and violent first impressions. Of late that seems to be the only thing I am capable of lucidly without my inner self screaming at me to do something instead of doing nothing.  


"That is none of your concern ,now get out of my sight before I make you eat your rude words." I said forcing the words out of my mouth forcing my own politeness. Only because I would break out curses if I didn't, the kind that would likely get me killed if they understood hobbitish or I might 'accidentally' spew them out in westron that may or may not get me killed. For some odd reason I just wanted to see their reaction's to it but I forced myself to refrain because the consequences will be far worse that and I _like_ living without creating more distrust of my race and the dwarves who are well known for their grudge-holding.

  
"Like you could." He scoffed.  


Lotho was mean like him too except he was far taller, a different race and better looking too on top of that with far more possible rage issues along with that whole grudge holding situation. During the engagement between Lotho and I somehow he managed to take away my freedom not all of it mind you he wasn't a complete monster. He knew me well enough to know that I was a Took through and through ,so he intended on curbing 'unrespectable' interests I may have had. This _included_ my Veterinarian job as a intern that I was unpaid for, and later as I hoped to join a animal hospital as a on staff vet. 

He was going to ensure that I am permanently anchored down 'like a prim and proper hobbitess of the Baggins should be'. He was a rare type of male hobbit a chauvinist what he did to ensure my dreams were shattered, permanently which probably caused most of my problems right now. I needed to get away from the Shire so I could return to my normal self but he wouldn't let me! Before this like right after I agreed to marry him a week after to be precise he tore apart my application I was going to send in to Brier animal hospital. Right.In.Front.Of.Me. A devastating blow for me as I was well qualified and just managed to finish my unpaid internship just enough to finally get my degree in veterinary care.

I knew if I married him it would not be a happy marriage I would either bare him children and then have his tiny terrors bouncing around. Or it would end with me becoming a concubine to someone else in the Shire. Cheating on marriage vows wasn't looked upon fondly by the Sackville-Baggins though in hobbit culture you could still have a harem and at least two marriages at a time but no more than that. No one in the Shire truly "loved" me enough to risk it ,elope and the fact that I wasn't courting anyone.

Lotho started to court me after I agreed to marry him at that party I mentioned before while I was super drunk. He made a good show of it too I didn't care, my life as I knew it was ending. It only made me a ticking time bomb the marriage would end violently in death or end in a slow death.

I saw red I didn't care about being a gracious hostess right now I wanted to teach him a lesson, I've been gracious enough every single one except those who knew better would face my fury apparently this now included the leader of the company. I saw everything I hated in my soon to be marriage I wanted to take it out on something or someone. Right now it was him at the end of the barrel of my rifle. Thus he found out how useless his armor really was when he got a bullet in the shoulder shouting in pain, a pain that one would never forget. The deafening bang they likely never heard before in their life however long it had been or would ever hear it since.

"Like I did, dwarf. Say that again and I'll put another set in the other shoulder. Or I could _just kill you_ I'm not in a forgiving mood when it comes to men like you!" I snarled gun in hand. The one weapon that was our kinds own invention. I was being merciful this time I figured that in my rage I shot him with the gun I always managed to have nearby no doubt the pain was unlike being hit by an arrow,cut by a sword or spear if not thirty times more painful than that experience like a case of searing pain that hurts worse than an arrow. Add into the shrapnel from his armor adds something else into it like pouring salt into a wound along with glass to make it hurt not only more but bleed more.

"Belladonna! You just shot the lea-leader of our company." Gandalf stammered, he was afraid of me now wasn't he? As always it seems that he like those who hated guns didn't like the sound after all their was no other way to reduce such a wizard to stammers. It usually had that effect of people outside our race, that and a few morons got hurt on the shooting rang because they couldn't handle the recoil. You don't get much recoil with a bow nor do you get any from sword, axes or spears because it simply doesn't have that extra kick to it that a gun has.

"He needed a lesson taught arrogant bastard. You aren't above me just because you were born into nobility or taller than me. Talk to Greg about that he somehow has an inferiority complex and a case of megalomania." I spat purposely changing the subject.

"Who's Greg?" Bombur asked cautiously fearing for his families sake.

"Beardless dwarf." I leveled him with a bored cheery look. Bifur fainted, inwardly I was laughing my butt off and doing backflips with joy.

"You said that on purpose!" Dwalin accused me and he was quite right on that accusation.

"Indeed." I said smirking.

"Damn you, can someone help me?" Thorin growled. I got my veterinary kit out should be easy enough fix this dwarf should be grateful I'm somewhat nice even if he's not. Must be a family trait. Lucky Lotho never got a hold of it or I would have lost every remaining dream I had, and slowly faded if you want to be overly dramatic about my end of my dream. It would have been very painful without it being in my life now. 

"I'm going to have to pull the bullet from your shoulder." I said gruffly. This is why I didn't work with people animal's I was more gentle with because I had to be and because it was part of the job description. I liked animals more than I liked people even the dangerous reptilian ones (try dealing with a mad Jane monster with a toothache and and a abscess in one go talk about a very bad week for the lizard) Jane Monster's are colorful in color to warn others to stay away being one of only a few actually venomous lizards in the known world. I even deal with the occasional venomous serpent respect is needed their because they aren't like cats their brains are hard wired differently they will only be grateful for you feeding them if they are in captivity even if they aren't venomous do not underestimate a snake who is pure muscle. 

"You put it there!" Thorin accused I wasn't impressed by his feeble whines like a wounded mutt. He was groaning like he never been shot before likely considering guns are considered evil by anyone outside the Shire.

"Because you opened your big mouth and inserted your foot, stupid dwarf. next person who insults my gender will lose his hair and maybe more than that if he really pisses me off. Then I'll toss the offending dwarf out." I snarled my callous warning it shook the dwarves to the core only because of the look on my face.

I dragged Thorin into another room it seemed he learned a terrible lesson on angering my likes that was either good or bad I didn't know which yet.

"Why does it hurt so much?" Thorin cried it was pathetic really he was whining like he never been shot before. Then again those men from Bree saw our weapons as 'evil' and elves had pretty much the same opinion if not with a few more ...em colorful metaphors, for us it became necessary to have this type of weapon around due to a old enemy that isn't important right now. For me I have been shot with hollow points those are a bitch getting all the fragments out. They cause more damage inside your body being made for stopping power, though it doesn't matter anytime you get shot it hurts like hell.

"Take off your shirt and your armor , now." I wasn't giving him an option as I forced him in my fathers sitting room. Not the best place to do surgery but it'll do, not like I had much of a choice anymore did I? The dream was flickering out because of one damn hobbit, Thorin did as I ordered. I began after I used numbing agent around the wound it took a bit for it to kick in I only started working after I asked him if he could feel anything in that spot. Realizing that shrapnel had embedded itself into the wound and the surrounding skin as well armor does that when hit with a bullet at least when its not plate armor that you have to hit at the weakest point and that may take several shots for it to puncture.

I pulled out a Petri dish and began my work I didn't do people for a reason they aren't exactly a favorite patient of mine. With the wound numb and effecting a area around it (it takes full effect in thirty minutes) he wouldn't feel a thing pulling the metal armor shrapnel from his shoulder. Peice by piece along with stopping the bleeding in a manner that was almost second nature to me, the difference however was obvious: he was a dwarf not my typical patient.

"The stitches will dissolve themselves in a week or so." I stated putting the bloody bullet into a petri dish. Putting my bloody vet equipment into another wet glass cylinder to sterilize them for future use later. He put on his shirt and slightly damaged armor again along with his fur cloak. He had a nice arm tattoo as well likely having more meaning to it than my own did.

Back tattoos hurt more especially considering the amount of space it can cover. I was resistant to pain even then it was nothing compared to getting my wolf clan sigil on my back. I swore like a pissed off dwarf to another pissed off elf, as one can guess it wasn't a pleasant experience. I have one on the back of my neck, behind my left ear and several on my left arm. For someone in the Shire tattooing is more common for us than dwarves and that's a pretty big boast.

Though facial tattooing is unheard of unless you have a very good reason to have one. I cleaned myself up afterwards getting the blood off my hand's and trying my best not to flip out on everyone.

"Belladonna are you okay?" Gandalf asked me again.  
No answer, I wanted to say a thousand things yet nothing came out right my inner self was screaming at me to say something anything is better than nothing. Better take the silence. I wasn't usually like this I had already written up a will (the Sackville-Baggins wouldn't get my smial even if I left) and letters to my relatives that I would later send via messenger owls to inform them that If I do not return within two years I am dead. If by chance I decide to name someone else the inheritor in my place if I cannot return they will become a honorary Baggins and my holdings will pass to them. I also might have mentioned what happened that night and voided the marriage proposal for that reason I also brought up Lotho's peeping on me when we were tweens and brought up his possible lack of respectability as well.  
"You got a functional semi mute." Kíli teased in the kitchen not the best time Kili really.  
"No I figure it's better if I say nothing."I said blankly. My inner self screamed 'lies! all of it and you know it this is all Lotho's fault and you know it!' I couldn't disagree with that surprisingly shared sentiment.  
"You truly believe that?"Gandalf questioned.  
"Okay so I am being forced to marry a hobbit I hate. My life as I know it is ending, everything in this smial was his the moment I gave in." I growled I managed to eat before hand of which I am grateful they didn't find the stashed away desserts ....yet.  
"I hate him! Completely. Now if you mind."I dismissed myself from their presence before I told them more. Causing them to murmur in their native Khuzdul a bunch of words I ignored for the sake of my remaining respectability.  
I got the other pack of cigarettes above my mantle piece the second pack that I started about two month's ago lost in my drawers then just found yesterday. I got my lucky wolf emblazoned lighter from my one area I had at least twenty lighters I ducked around the house. Lighting the cigarette blowing the smoke out upwards into the night sky I might be neglecting my guests but after I leave the shire I swear I'm never smoking this much again. I seriously need to stop smoking really bad because this is becoming ridicules how much until I start doing something else.  
"I wouldn't have taken you for a chain smoker." Bofur teased when I came back in.  
'Neither did Leo.'I said in hobbitish he had a confused look on his face after I said that not understanding what I said.  
"Does she take us for fools?"Gloin took it as an insult.  
"Your being a jerkass."I snapped harshly, why do they always assume that I'm insulting them? I already have to put up with that Bullshit with my dwarven in-law's from the Iron Hills that don't like me.  
"Bella."Gandalf warned.  
"What?" I snapped at the wizard he seemed surprised as I was.  
"Refrain from the insults."He managed to calm me down with one of his spell something I thanked him for. The stress of dealing with the Sackville-Baggins was getting to me and it showed seriously enough to change my life. In more ways than one and never in a good way.  
"I should put that dead bolt on. Oh I am going to enjoy denying Lotho everything of mine."I said though secretly I already had I sent the owls off to their destinations.  
"How'd what?"Gloín sputtered not following.  
"Are you even sane?"Dwalin asked.  
"What's your definition of sane?" I countered sharply.  
"She's nuts."Ori added surprising the company funny I took him for being quiet and reserved.  
"Try dealing with Lobelia sometime! Her son is a troll. I think I would rather marry an Orc."I mentioned offhandedly shocking a few dwarves who cursed up a storm when they heard that as expected from any self respecting dwarf be they a dam or otherwise.  
"He might just kill me first try that would be merciful."I teased rolling my eyes.  
"Where is your tea?" Dori asked he was a little bit nervous around me for good reason I suppose I gave him all the right reasons to be nervous in my presence.  
"Lotho locked it up somewhere. He has the key and my lock picking set I got from Bree." I rubbed my temples, I felt a headache coming on a bad one.  
"Why?" Nori asked. I eyed him stealing my west farthing silverware and gave him a grin freaking him out making him put it back not that I cared much as I pulled out the dessert's.  
"Unrespectable and unladylike according to him all because I chose to be a vet instead of house wife." I said coolly.  
"Can't you just run?" Ori asked.  
"Great idea genius where to?" I joked light heartedly.  
"I've never seen you this tightly wound up. Even for a Took I hardly think that is normal."Gandalf stated.  
"Yet you have beer." Gloin mentioned I shrugged.  
"I'm more of a whiskey person myself I don't mind beer but don't mix the two together. A moron thought it would be a genius idea to mix drinks unfortunately he mixed blackberry wine which is fine all on its own and hobbit mead together. It didn't end well a few hobbit's at the party had to go to the hospital during and after the party. Whiskey was sorely lacking suddenly I realize I have a lot more alcohol than someone who doesn't drink should, normally I use it in cooking when required and during parties such as this one but a bit more planned on my part. No matter a party is still a party."  
"Damn it where is my whiskey?!" I growled finding a note left by Lotho the arrogant prick that he was in my old drinking cabinet lucky that only I knew where the key was to the epic game room that functioned as the epic woman's cave that could double as a mans cave, in case your wondering while I'm good at womenly pursuit's I am by no means normal I like hunting as much as anyone else during hunting season but our kind has a 'hunting commission' meaning you have to have a licence to hunt during a certain time. We also avoid over hunting this way and while it isn't perfect we manage well enough to keep those damn deer from ruining my rose bushes this year!  
The note read in Lotho's overly fancy scrawl: Under lock and key:  
  
Tea  
Pipe weed  
Whiskey

\- Lotho  
"Damn." I took a sword to the lock mainly Fíli's I don't think Fili liked that too much.  
"Bingo. Hey I've been looking for that for a month." I brought out a pair of pliers.  
"Meh, don't need them now. My rum? My whiskey!"  
"Stress does strange things to people." Oin noticed.  
"Apparently."Fili grumbled as they started to chow down on the desserts Thorin nearly devoured the entire custard and blackberry pie and a slice of the Blackberry tart his favorite (though by the way the dwarves were scarfing down their favorite dessert's like they would never taste them again).  
"Do save some tart's for the rest of us, Thorin." I said glaring at him I love black berry custard pie too I wanted to have a taste before the bastard scarfed it down life a ravounous wolf. "I don't think he's wrong on scarfing it down it's likely been an age since he's tasted blackberry and custard." Gandalf mentioned. "Well that's stupid why didn't any of you lot bother to come down to the shire for the fall harvest or midsummer festivals? That seems what always brings Tokora down here she either gets really drunk, beats her brother in a soccer match, or the food. She beat Olo Took in a eating contest and that's saying something its a feat worth an honorable mention. That and she tells the best adult jokes I've ever heard." I mentioned grinning at the memory. "Why did you use my sword as a lock pick?!" Fili demanded.  
"Lock breaker."I answered.  
"You are a bit unhinged."Fili spat.  
"You've noticed?"I said slyly.  
"Now where are my bolt cutters?" I searched for them.  
"Why...?"Thorin began.  
"I have asked the same thing."I answered cutting him off.  
They noticed she was lacking sleep by the dark circles under her eyes.  
"I recognize this craftsmanship, Tokora Stormfury?"Thorin questioned from his chair.  
"Aye she came and visited the Shire has a thing for mushrooms and chocolate covered grasshoppers."  
Fíli, Kíli, and Thorin Oakenshield paled a bit.  
"'Family recipe' she called it the fauntlings didn't even know! Till she told em."I laughed.

"Don't eat to fast you might end up hurting yourself though I doubt you will attempt to eat my silver ware. Which is why I got rid of the sporks because I had a cousin that ate one, yup you can tell he was either high as fuck or drunk as a skunk in the middle of a bar fight." I smirked.

 

 

"Are you flirting?"Kili was outright shocked.

 

 

"Meybe? Meybe not depends on whether or not their is another person in the picture and their is always someone else. Who's prettier and better looking that they are involved with." I cringed at the memory of finding Todd Banks was actually in a relationship with someone else. She threatened to hang me after she shaved off all the hair on my feet the pure horror made me fun away crying. She didn't do it thankfully and she apologized soon after personally.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Jane Monster is naturally an analog to the Gila Monster they are an unimaginative lot not knowing what to call it. Considering that it doesn't produce much venom (a venomous snake produces more) and no humans have died from a bite, the problem is that the venom isn't put through the fangs on the upper jaw but the lower jaw. Gravity is working against it on that along with it not being related to any snakes and being considered a living fossil by science.  
> Don't ask me about fish though I only cook fish I don't know all the details.


	2. Iron

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bella finds her bolt cutters to the secret room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I own nothing!

"Found em!"  
She took the bolt cutters to heavy chain near the mantle piece . Pushing the wolf head above the mantle down the click was heard. Fire automatically put out as it slid away to reveal her family arsenal of weapons.  
"Now I feel better that I broke things."  
  
  
"How badly do you want out of this marriage?"  
"Bad enough. Where do I sign."  
"Are you sure this is the right Hobbit?"  
"Yes."  
  
  
"Holy shite she got daggers galore!"  
'Don't worry about Lotho, Bells. I got this in the bag!' The ghostly Leo laughed walking into the kitchen spooking everyone present.  
"What ...no ...who ...." Bofur was stumbling over his words Gloín the superstitious one of the lot, like his son paled but said nothing.  
A loud thump was heard that thump was Thorin Oakenshield passing out.  
"Thorin?" Balin asked surprised at his dear cousin's reaction.  
Thorin couldn't take it his brain over loaded unable to cope with something like this he passed out. By the time he woke up the hobbit was no longer see through but completely solid.  
'Sorry 'bout that, Master Thorin. Sometimes I forget how people react around me nowadays.' Lending Thorin a hand helping him up surprisingly you wouldn't expect that from a ghost.  
"Who is this?" He asked.  
'Leo Baggins at your service Master Thorin.'  
"Leo was my cousin at his death." Bella explained to a already pale Thorin.  
'I was mauled to death by Farmer Maggots former dogs that he had to kill because of it. He wanted his pets to scare off hobbits I didn't steal anything from his farm I was just lost one night during a storm. After being found by a very angry Farmer Maggot who was mortified by what his dogs did.'  
"'I forgive you and the dogs for a mistake.'" She repeated his last words.  
'Aye, been here ever since. Lotho I'll scare him off you go have some fun.' Leo said smiling fondly before disappearing.  
"God why?" Thorin demanded slightly freaked out(a King-in-exile doesn't freak out) his voice slightly cracked and becoming uneven at a higher pitch.  
"Why not?" She asked him. Taking full note of just how shaken he was before continuing.  
"I would rather have a friendly neighborhood ghost than a bunch of armed demons at my door step." Bella said teasingly.  
  
  
  
"Bella..." Gandalf warned her. "I'm a fool of a Took we lack common sense anyway. Common sense isn't so common." Bella stated. She already packed. And slept in the chair before being awoken quite some time before first breakfast by a eager Leo who managed to get some help filling the pantry. Enough to make breakfast one last time before leaving the Shire.  
"Thanks Leo, The Lionheart." Bella breathed as she looked on into her pantry seeing his visage next to her gone but she _knew_ he heard her. She made first breakfast for herself and her guests who stumbled from the rooms to the kitchen Bofur seemed most incoherent. Yes, she herself had a slight hangover but that was of no consequence. Bifur he hugged her unexpectedly murmuring something in Khudzul while Gloín translated what he was saying. As Bofur was hardly lucid when he himself wasn't making a lick of sense in either Khudzul or the common tongue.  
"Thank you mistress." Thorin said solemnly. There was an undefined look in his eyes a rich sapphire blue with so many hidden depths. You could lose yourself to them I started to get all dreamy before giving myself a mental shake and turning my head away.  
A reaction no one missed. Not even Gandalf missed it.  
"None of that mistress stuff here!"  
"Its either Bella, Belladonna or Bells no titles."  
"Boggins." Kíli teased lightheartedly as I tossed a muffin at his face. He caught it with surprising skill in his mouth.


	3. True Name

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bella reveals her Hobbit name to Thorin when she gets drunk on the road on a type of rare hobbit alcohol that doesn't do anything for some for others less so.

"What is this?"

 

"My father called it Catspaw."

 

"It doesn't smell any better than ordinary water."

 

"Its hereditary, apparently."

 

"Okay then."

She didn't have the watch tonight so Thorin didn't care that was tomorrow she had the first watch.

"How can you drink that stuff?"

 

"For me it does a lot more than what alcohol does for you. Its rare because it's only homemade any stronger and I would be knocked out."

 

"Why?"

 

"Haven't any of you ever brewed moonshine together?"

"No."

 

"Then you obviously didn't know how to have fun, me and a few of my Tookish cousin's took it upon ourselves to brew moonshine as tweens yes we were in our early twenties. Had some fun sending the sheriff on a wild goose chase. Yea we had to water it down enough so it wasn't a hundred and eighty proof."

 

"That's pure alcohol right their too much of that and three and a quarter mason jars or less you'll be loaded. Even better Cousin Olo while loaded on moonshine drank olive oil the look on his face was priceless."

 

She fell asleep soon enough waking up when Thorin brushed a hand over her cheek he was still very much awake. His blue eyes were soft and caring.

 

"I don't want to send you to face the dragon Smaug."

 

"Someone has to do it, Thorin."

 

_"Belladonno Bilbe Baggins." I whispered into his ear very softly._

 

"What is that?"

 

"My name in Hobbitish, my real one."

Somehow she woke the next morning in his bedroll her on top of his muscular chest and she felt safe for once she felt like she could get used to. As the other dwarves started to wake up Thorin was still very much asleep with no sign of waking anytime soon. So she started to kiss his neck he sighed leaning into it even as those kisses turned into gentle nips. His sighs turned into groans he seemed to be enjoying himself even if he was unconscious his back arched in pleasure. 

She kissed him awake much to his surprise he woke up and he enjoyed every second of it.


	4. Fool of a Took

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bella reveals that she indeed was a barmaid.
> 
> They encounter the trolls.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had fun doing this.

And here we are held in burlap sacks going to be eaten by trolls.

 

"What should we do with the burrahobbit?"Tom asked Bert.

 

"You lot aren't the brightest are you?"Bella spat.

 

"Says the burrahobbit who is too small." William snarled he didn't like her one bit.

 

 

"The last Took who was over three foot three was Bullroarer Took. He had englorious muttonchops!" Bella rambled.

 

"Bells not the time." Fili reminded her.

 

"Perfect time!"She said grinning wickedly.

 

"No rest for the wicked. That would be me." She rambled further confusing the Trolls further.

 

"What are you drunk? Did you really believe this to be my fault?" She turned on Thorin next.

 

"When those two oafs managed to miss the loud approach of a troll, an uprooted tree and getting two of the sixteen ponies stolen." She motioned with her head to Fili and Kili.

 

 

"What the fuck were you two doing taking a nap? Or having gay sex?" She accused the two brothers enraging them both.

 

 

"Durincest."

 

"I swear if we get out of this I'll kill you myself!" Fili was furious.

 

 

"Fleabitten mongrel."She roared.

 

 

"Ouch, this is like dinner and a show!"William laughed.

 

 

"And I thought only jumping beans provided a show."Bert agreed.

 

 

"Hey the burrahobbit's a female why not have her fuck the Black haired one, the leader?" Tom asked in moment of pure troll brilliance and pure evil.

 

 

"Emotional constipation?" She teased Thorin. 

 

 

"Bella." Thorin growled kicking her.

 

 

"A bunch of men who aren't exactly overly complicated, women however..." She was cut off by Bert.

 

 

"I've heard quite enough from the likes of you!"Bert spat.

 

 

"Your move idiot."She spat defiantly.

 

"Now I really want to eat you." William said.  
He made her strip once she was out of the sack. Her snarling wolf black tattoo that took up a good portion of her back. Her new ankle tattoo she had reciently gotten before leaving the Shire marking her as a fearsome hobbit. The numerous tattoo's on her one arm all of it in black ink it was a reoccurring theme for her. It just made a few dwarves want her a bit more and maybe just maybe she'll let them have the time of day.

 

"No way."

 

"Sweet ink."

 

"That isn't respectable." Kíli tormented her.

 

 

"That's hot." Nori said from turning on the spit.

 

"Catch this!" she looked strange her ears became longer and her hair became wilder. Her eyes glowed and her nails became claws. Her teeth stuck out from her lips.

 

 

"You scared yet?"

 

"Get her!"  
They missed she freed the dwarves from a spit turner though sending them tumbling onto the ground barely missing the fire. She bought them some time just as the sun started to come up and she violently clawed down Bert's back.

 

 

"Fuck off."

 

She turned back to normal the moment the sun came back.

 

 

"What the?"

 

 

"You were half right I was a barmaid but not for a typical bar."

 

 

Gay bar and she wasn't just a barmaid she was the bouncer somehow she was mutually terrifying and demanding at the same time with a frying pan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The pendant Bungo baggins got her in the shape of a wolf head temporarily turns you into a werewolf for fifteen minutes.


	5. Translations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bella finds catnip.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> De angle of humor! I have no idea where this is going but its going somewhere.

Bella was helping them set up camp one day not long after the troll accident when she just dropped giggling because of plant. After an accident that she wished to forget ever happened. The aftermath of that time in the catnip patch was amazing for her ,even if her memory was a bit hazy due to the catnip.

 

"Ummmmm Bella are you okay?" Bofur asked nervously.

 

"Fish and chips mate!" She giggled.

 

"What is going on here?" Thorin, Fili and Kili asked. Finding her rolling around in some strange plant with white flowers purring like some strange cat. 

 

"Bella?" Was all Thorin could say.


	6. Translations part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We find out how hereditary catnip is for hobbits. Now it's backstory time for the dwarves.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is in the same line of 'A bundle of Catnip' story. Yes I'm throwing in semi-related fanfiction references because I like to. Mainly because it's fun to pull another fast one on people.  
> Not in a bad way but let's see how far this goes. As a forewarning I cranked the antics up to eleven.
> 
> For some reason this chapter turned out darker than I intended it to be: mentions of severe alcohol poisoning, suicide , war , and poisoning

Thorin himself has never seen such a sight in his nearly one hundred ninety five- going on 196- years. Was she purring?-Like some pet house cat. Her purring was unmistakable as it sounded the same as an adult house cat purring loudly. It wasn't a sound easily reproduced exactly like a cat no one he ever met (who had a cat) could reproduce the sound exactly. 

The twisting motions she was making somehow as she rolled around in the herbal plant all caused by the herbal plant made his neck hurt. By now she was devoid on troll snot. Personally no one could blame her for taking a bath and changing into another set of clothes. He really wanted those trolls to make him bang her as his heart raced at the very thought of it he didn't have a clue why. When she went berserk on him and he felt pain even if she fixed him up, but when she told them what was going on he kind of understood her rage and everything else too. How did he just start feeling these feelings?

 

That tattoo design however was unusual because it didn't have that 'painting' real look to it. Some humans took to either making tattoos or having them, at least a few men and several women had tattoos of some type on them. It wasn't anything like the tattoos they have seen made by the race of Men, or even dwarven(she wasn't exactly a Dwarrowdam). I have yet to see any elf with any sort of tattoo on their body or wizard, they live just as long as elves if not longer.

 

The image of the snarling wolf was forever burned into the memories of the dwarves who got a long look at it. Óin looked her over after he was informed that her left foot got a bit smushed by the scuffle. He found out the hard way how sensitive the thick soles of her feet are to touch. In a knee jerk reaction she kicked him not in the face but his balls. Much to her absolute shock, mortification and horror at what she just did.

 

"Sweet mother ....!!!" Óin gasped falling over. The rest was in Khuzdul terrible curses and crys of pain mixed in words you dare not repeat. If you heard and understood it no doubt you would either want to cover the youngest in groups ears. The fact Bella was running away from the scene red faced and completely mortified. 

 

About ten minutes later Óin calmed down enough to be coherent once more though cold water would have to do instead of just ice. He went to a nearby stream out of sight and right now out of mind. Glóin went with him as a lookout for trouble and anything else that might kill them.

 

 

About twenty clicks away from the Troll camp was Bella in a catnip patch rolling around in it. He noticed that her eyes pupils now shifted in turn like a house cats, he hoped the effect was temporary. Alongside the fact she was purposely rolling around in a perennial herb and that it has hallucinogenic effect on her mind.

 

 

"Uncle what should we do?" Fíli asked. Likely he was still pissed off at the hobbit, all for insenuating that he was having an incestuous sexual relationship with his _younger_ brother. His one eyelid was twitching in anger, like his father before him Víli son of Víl and Björg slow to anger and slow to calm down. Depending on who or what angered him.

 

Like any dwarf who is self-respecting is bound to hold a grudge of this very real slight. Kíli was pretty internally pissed off but he kept it thinly veiled over for the moment. The pony's were on edge all day Bella said before kicking Óin in the balls that they know something isn't right. The more nervous they get the more likely they will bolt because the presence they sense isn't one they want to be around. How ironic is it when the vet likes animal's more than people and gets along with them better.

 

 

"I haven't the faintest idea what to do." Thorin admitted openly.

 

 

"Any suggestions?" Thorin asked for an honest idea.

 

 

"Nope."Fíli said too quickly the slight sneer gave his intentions away.

 

"What he said." Kíli near instantly agreed with his elder brother. 

For that Thorin slapped the two dwarves upside the head. They should know better no matter the slight real or imagined , women were to be treated as equals no matter the race. The dwarven motto spanning millennium was simple 'never turn away someone in need'.

 

"I have a feeling Tokora would handle this better." Thorin said solemnly.

 

 

"Are her eyes supposed to be like that?" Ori asked nervously ,he was a smart lad.Smarter than his da of his ,one in a million dwarves suffer from inborn cowardice they might call it 'self-preservation' but when his da found out about Ori's mum being pregnant. He ran like a coward, his da was Nár son of Nolr. Something that Tokora didn't look on favorably for Nár despite being on the counsel of Ered Luin.

Tokora stated it herself 'that one day your luck will run out and you'll die a cowards death'. She opposes him being on any counsel as she put it 'a cowards advice isn't advice at all'. Mainly because she called him a ball-less coward for turning his back on his son or even actknowledging he exists. At least Nori's da (despite being a scurvy pirate cutthroat captain) sent back money to the Ri family even adopting the young Ori. Who was already suffering from 'daddy abandonment issues' and his shy nature was a result of that.

 

 

Nori's da would be granted a full pardon along with his scurvy crew on certain conditions. This included posting bail and being put on probabation. Apparently the entire crew of cutthroat pirates were softened up to kids. They kind of just melted their cold unfeeling hearts into lovey dovey goo when they saw baby Ori.Something that really not every or just anyone kid or otherwise can do to the most vicious cutthroat pirate known to dwarf-kind.

 

Dori's da was a responsible Dwarf like Nori's da was he was their mum's One. She was completely crushed by his death in the war (actually more of a skirmish) putting down a then young and able Grokk's own land grab power play. The other dwarves put him in his place very quickly.

 

 

Dori's da was one of only ten casualties on the winning side and a total loss on Grokk's side. Let's leave it at people never looked at him right again after that. He was a power hungry dwarf who could never really marry his kin into the seven great dwarf houses after that. He wanted power, power he believed he was denied due to his lowly birth. Being a bastard in his mind made him less a dwarf.

 

In reality this wasn't the case bastard-born dwarflings were treasured just as any other dwarfling. Being a bastard had no effect on social standing, how one was treated, or otherwise. If anything you would be treated normally.

 

His father lost his wife in a terrible flood a year prior to him being conceived. By the time he was twenty his father Gronn was abusive and falling into a slow death by mind sickness. He was in Erebor right before Durin's Day with his youngest and six other children. Gronn committed suicide after he had his last drink as he was already suffering from alcohol poisoning. By spiking his last drink with cyanide.

 

 

"I suggest we drag her out of the patch." Nori said enough years in the street and some time in both the Shire and Ragack have taught him well.

 

"Er... Why?" Thorin asked cluelessly.

 

"Because she's getting both high and drunk at the same time." Nori explain face palming exasperated at their cluelessness.

 

 

"Is that bad?" Dwalin asked he didn't trust this ...petty criminal, a thief none the less! After he and Ori got involved (not uncommon for friends of either sex or the same sex to have some fun) even if it was only temporary Tokora backed off. She was too used to being attracted to people in a relationship with someone else and being lied to(they weren't in one). The result ended in her being rejected repeatedly by would-be dates.

 

 

This jealous rivalry came to a head when she was comforted by Nori. Nori! Of all people, of all the dwarves in Ered Luin she picked him to be her second best?!! It infuriated him deeper that she put him under her own employ when she regained her homeland Ragack. He was a spymaster and had four kids to her!

 

Dori and Ori were thrilled to find out they were Uncles! The first were twins Odin being the eldest son and Ragnfridr being his younger twin sister. The youngest being Fenrisúlfer and Kolr he never thought she would choose a thief over him. She knew he was her other half yet their would always have to herself unreachable by anyone who dared try to reach it.

 

"You've never been high before so shut your gob. High and drunk don't mix. In case and point she's probably hallucinating right now." Nori argued.

 

"Seein' shit tha' ain't there." Nori elaborated when greeted by dumbfounded stares into deep space.

Pulling her out of the catnip patch the next few hours would be living nightmare. Most if not all of her pranks were directed at Thorin, the rest was directed at Glóin(for some reason no one can fathom), Dwalin (he needed to loosen up), Fíli & Kíli.

 

Along with her berating Thorin for calling her useless ,when it's a brilliant moron who orders people around without truly realizing the situation at hand. He tried to stop her but she didn't stop there.

 

"You do realize the reason your lot is in this deep hole?" She glared daggers at him.

 

 

"The simple thing is that you seem like the rest of you a glutton for punishment because everything that has happened to the dwarves has been entirely self inflicted!!!" She snarled at Thorin. That look of complete mortification on his face along the paling of every dwarf present.

 

 

"What's worse is the revelation that just came to me Azog isn't full Orc. He's half man half Orc. Or are you lot that blind, who ever is working behind the scenes has just made Azog his first few try's at making the perfect army. I won't put it above him to have spawn of his own either better than you have done it seems." She growled she was actually making sense and a cold trickle of dread took hold of the dwarves and a wizard.

 

"The way I see it is simple you think you ever stood a chance against him? It will either be by his hand or by his heirs that you , Fíli and Kíli die. Pathetic." She was just so very cruel right now every word made Thorin want to run and hide.

 

 

 

When nightfall came she came out of it with a terrible hang over. With only hazy memory to go on what happened in between. Walking around as they started their trek for the horde. 

 

She fell into a suddenly collapsing ground that opened up without warning. As her eyes adjusted to the darkness of a meduim underground cave complex. What she saw before her made her scream truly in terror.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have already screwed with this story enough ,added some more details here and there. I apologize if it just turned out crazy and maybe this will end at Rivendell (don't worry I got sequel planned XD).
> 
> I love writing about and in the Ri brothers side of the story, especially Nori. The Ri clan was a personal favorite of Tokora and still is she helped pay for Ori's tutor when they got behind on payments. I'm making this the last chapter that involves dark broody kind of writing.


	7. Translations part 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The reveal.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a warning short chapter.

The dwarves heard a scream so clearly terrified they had to run towards it. A torch held tightly in Thorin's hand and another in Bofur's soon enough they both came upon a hole. They were farely certain that when they came this way before their was no hole. Yet here it was. 

 

"Get me out of this bone pit, the Wind Eater may be dead..." Bella was in hysterics as the torch light below. We got some rope and pulled her out but she went into shock soon after being pulled out. 

 

The other dwarves were curious what could have freaked her out that badly Glóin, Dwalin, Balin, Nori, Dori, Bofur, Thorin, Fíli and Kíli went down.

 

Venturing deeper than even Bella dared thousands of bones making up tile beneath our feet, furniture big enough to host a twelve foot tall giant. The skulls were the most disturbing thing as some were used as center pieces others seemed to be cable holders or lamps.

 

It made Thorin sick to his stomach he felt bad for those people. Whatever killed them must be a terrible beast to behold. He left the hollow for the surface they started making camp for the night the ponies were rest less.

 

A shaken but recovered Bella seemed to manage to calm them down.

 

 

"What's wrong with them?"

 

 

"They sense distant wargs about five hundred miles southwest. By the way they are freaking out I'm guessing the fastest ones."

 

 

"Gundabad wargs." Gandalf hissed.

 

 

"Meduim pack with a few juveniles by the way Minty is jittering."

 

 

"Can you read elvish?" Thorin changed the subject.

 

 

"Yes." 

 

 

He handed Bella the map after studying it for several minutes her brow furrowed and her jaw dropped.

 

 

"These are moon runes. I don't know how your grandfather did it and personally none of my business but there is a difference."

 

 

"What in mahal's name is a moon rune?"

 

 

"A type of hidden text revealed under a certain type of moon. Perhaps put on the map to ensure orc's couldn't read it? Or something else that has to do with a moon." She shrugged it befuddled many how she managed to deduce a solution without realizing it.

 

 

 

"So your saying we _have_ to go to the elves?" Glóin asked.

 

 

"Weren't your neighbors in Ered Luin the Grey Haven elves?"

 

 

"If you could call them that." Dori grumbled.


	8. The troll horde

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bella recovers the long thought to be lost Jarl's artifact. The Company is surprised by the amount of hobbit's in the far end of the Horde.

"This stinks." Fíli coughed.

 

 

"It's a troll horde it ain't going to smell like roses. The catacombs smell worse." Bella noted thoughtfully on the last part.

 

 

"What's a cat-a-comb?" Thorin asked he never heard the word catacomb before. So he pronounced it slower.

 

 

"It's an underground tomb of the dead particularly in large numbers. In times of great sorrow or large amounts of death we would bury the dead in the catacombs. The Fell Winter would be a perfect example of such times." She explained entering the horde bravely.

 

 

"How aren't you freaking out like you were with that other-?" Thorin trailed off.

 

 

"There isn't much that we hobbit truly do hate with a never ending passion Wind Eaters are the only ones." She explained.

 

 

"Those skeletons look like they were here before the trolls took up residence." Kíli motioned to a skeletal figure not just one but at least thirty of them of varying genders and sizes. Their clothing dust covered tattered with age and old wounds you can tell they died in pain. The number of nonlethal arrow shots to their body and torturously slow death considering many of them had healing fractures. Meaning that they had been tortured or held out long enough to make one last stand. The one they seemed to protect was a female skeleton in a once vibrant orange dress tattered and worn with age. 

 

The skeleton in question had several arrows going diagonal through her right wrist, an arrow to the knee and a spear pinning her to the wall. The circlet still upon her skull covered in a layer of dust but untarnished as far as she could tell. The circlet was a symbol of the Jarl the owls and falcons on the sides not overly impressive like some dwarven crowns. It's said that it was enchanted to change its size to the head of its worthy wearer. Something was still clutched in her skeletal right hand even now centuries after her death.

 

Bella forced the hand open finding a ring she had only seen drawings of as a child. The Dragon Ring forged by rainbow fire of a True Dragon it granted its wearer invisability (and translated other species tongues easy) without any ill effects.

 

It looked like a dusty untarnished silver-y ring that resembled a dragon devouring its own tail. She wondered if it worked like the old tales said it did putting it on and vanishing before the company's very eyes. Taking it off after a moment or two pocketing the treasure before turning to the crown like silvery band.

 

'The crown of the Jarl's was commissioned when Jarl Windhelm declared only a female shall hold the title after him. It's made from mithril with a moonstone of the finest quality in the front. It is the Shire's most cherished treasure.' 

 

 

"Thübak."She breathed she never thought it existed still.

Wiping the layer of dust of the stone said to be set in the center of the circlet. Finding the confirmation she needed.

 

 

"Is that mithril?" Kíli managed to snap her out of her stupor. She merely nodded removing it from the skull of the former Jarl Windwaker. She managed to get a bow and new arrows from the same horde. Alongside a elven sword given to her by Gandalf ,all the while putting the crown in her pack for safe keeping.

 

 

As they left the troll horde she picked up something in the bush other than that wizard Rasagast the Brown. Despite his unkempt appearance she quickly warmed up to him they were good friends in the past. During her former travels they met and he taught her how to heal animals. 

 

 

"Bilbo my old friend it seems you've grown a lot since last I saw you." Rasagast stated cheerfully.

 

"Yes I have. How's Sebastian?"

 

 

"He's alive due to my magic , black magic started affecting everything so fast. I don't think I'm going back their anytime soon."

"You'll be able to help more wild critters, though a word of caution. Don't trust Saruman fully something isn't quite right about him. Dora said he uses his words to hypnotize people because the moment they agree with him. She says it's too late by then. Stick with Gandalf first over him."

 

"Be careful around him Rasagast for he might end up using you for all the wrong reasons."

 

"You don't like him?"

 

"Like? That would be too kind to say that. I don't like anything about that Askro Natvias." She said coldly.

 

 

"Saruman rarely is welcome in the Shire. Because his arrival is considered bad luck and that of a natural disaster because he always brings terrible things to follow in his wake." She continued bitterly.

 

She nocked an arrow and let it fly killing a juvenile scouting warg before it hit the ground from its jump. 

 

"Nice shot."

 

 

"How'd you-"

 

 

"Another ones coming!"

 

 

They killed that one with a bit less accuracy but still they were dead now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thübak-fuck  
> Askro Natvias- jealous staff wielder (Hobbits name for Saruman)


	9. Rivendell part one

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After being nearly killed and forced into a magic cavern of some sort.

They ran after Rasagast offered to lead the Wargs off with his Rhosgobel Rabbits pulled sleigh. They were nearly killed several times after Rasagast half succeeded. Bella something inside her scared him deeply the way she hid inside herself steeling her heart and mind against the horrors to come.

 

 

They had been tricked into going into Rivendell and personally he thought that maybe Bella didn't care. She was late for Dinner that first night in Rivendell, it worried the company deeply. At least until she stepped into the room her dress may have been elven but her beauty-was ravishing. Even the other elves thought so the unmistakable lust in Lord Elrond's eyes.

"Milady."


	10. Rivendell part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bella reveals something that shocks the company and then some. Her lack of a mouth filter shows this time around.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some serious stuff here I edited it so I could tell what I was trying to say. Edits lots of them. I keep switching between omnipotent narration and Bella's POV, sorry about that its a force of habit. I'm trying to stop it.

"Lord Elrond aren't you married? Along with the fact don't elves lose their libido over the millennium?" Bella teased Gandalf snarfed his wine, Thorin's jaw dropped, many of the elves started to snicker as Elrond was reduced to sputtering a reply to that.

 

Fili decided it was time to make his move while the iron is still hot and be more gracious than his uncle had been. He was kind and like the rest of the company fell head over heels for her. As she sat down next to Fili he began to flirt with her making her visibly uncomfortable. 

 

"Stop flirting, its annoying." She growled.

 

 

"Weren't you courted back home?"Kili asked. The company was intent on getting this story out of her much to her inner dispair she just wanted to forget.

 

 

"Nope unless you call that _act_ with Lotho courting the only reason he did it is because he was a hobbit of some reason."Her reply was curt with something strange about her tone that she said it in.

 

 

 

"Did anyone else court you?"Fili asked. Her hands were fists and bone white in her lap eventually forcing her hands out of being fists.

 

 

"Define that." I asked dumbfounded. Balin sighed in exasperation.

 

 

"Have you gotten no suitors other than Lotho being shoved on you?" Thorin asked in his usual lovely baritone.

 

 

"Lotho is my cousin, and no I haven no one could be bothered with me. Try getting into a harem only to be pushed out by other female hobbits, saying I wasn't worth the effort."She explained her tone was noticably flat.

 

 

"Otho is technically the only way I'm related to him." She added sighing to make her point.

 

 

 

"What's a harem?"FIli asked curiously.

 

 

"A group of one sex surrounding another sex usually a good looking guy."She explained more than happy to change the subject.

 

 

 

"Why?" Dori asked he never heard a more absurd thing in his life, elves didn't have that, dwarves and humans didn't have that concept either. 

 

 

"Because three fourths of the Hobbit population is female." She said. The shocked faces were on both elves and dwarf alike they hadn't expected that shocking revelation to just come out of the blue.

 

 

"Then why didn't people-?"The words of Balin trailed off.

 

 

"Because I don't have my mothers looks! Okay, people in the Shire don't see the point in even bothering with me because I am a social outcast I have always been one. Who would bother with me?" She snapped pain and humilation coloring her voice. 

 

 

"Bella?"Kili had a new found respect for the hobbit.

 

"Why would they be so cruel?"Balin asked softly trying to not upset her further.

 

 

"Because." She snapped as she got up but somehow Fili managed to convince her to stay put for the time being at least for a bit longer.

 

 

 

"You chose to be a vet?" Nori asked quietly he always had a soft spot for her family mainly her mothers food they were good friends too. He helped her care for her dwarven adopted brothers when they elected to live with her till they came of dwarven legal age.

 

 

"No because I'm a Tookish Baggins."She lied.

 

 

"That isn't a reason."Nori stated. He knew she was lying about that he caught her lying but didn't outright say it which was unusual to say the least.

 

 

"The reason is far more complicated, I don't want to talk about it." Bella frowned. She ate her dinner in silence saying nothing even when Bofur sang a song to lighten the mood Bella left first in the chaos of the moment. No one noticed until it was obvious after the food fight was done alongside the song she went back to Mahal knows where. She likely went back to her room and went to bed this thought proved correct the next morn.

 

 

She woke the next morning to a harsh pounding on her door, she didn't want to get up so early like a child she just wanted to sleep in to cure her aching hangover. Right now as she laid in bed head under the covers hoping the covers would make the noise go away, it didn't go away foolhearted really did she really expect it to go away? After all she had been a fool to drink too much elven wine last night and coming to regret it. Thoroughly.

 

 

"Come on Bells we're gonna be late for breakfast! Your gonna miss it!" That was Fili. Begrudgingly she got out of bed and put on her lingerie after slipping out of her bed and answering her door in them. The hangover had a deep effect on her basic ability to show some modesty, her manners and her internal clock which due to the hangover didn't want her to get up at all for the time being. For a hangover their was no cure for it (minus the magical brew Gandalf concocted to destroy the effects of drunkeness) except sleeping it off no matter what the other races of Middle Earth said.

 

 

"Uhmmmmm," 

 

"What is so blasted important?"She snapped.

 

 

Their was Fili, Kili and Thorin at her door eyeing her only Kili didn't exactly lust for her he was more in for elves. Likely any and all thoughts were wiped from their minds when they saw her.

 

 

"Br...breakfast milady?" Thorin stammered tripping over his words.

"She's eye candy uncle."Fili coughed after she got dressed and came out in a new dress.

 

 

"Its more than that Fee and you know that." Kili said.

 

 

"She's so lovely."Thorin agreed.

 

The elves offered her a game on the X box 360 this is when she decided elves must be so awesome for this. Offering her her favorite game and a headset with the required controller. Archangel XI ,her favorite first person shooter and co-op.

 

"I can't believe it! Archangel XI."

 

'Welcome back Sweet!' 

 

'Hey guys. Have room for one more?'

 

"Always SweetVenge." Commander said.

 

'TriggerHappy lets bring the heat.'

 

"Aye Sweet,"

 

"Commander stay with Trigger."

 

 

"DarkVenge Your with me. We taking these bad boys out."

 

 

'LEEERRROOOOY JEEEEENNNNKINNNNNSSSSSSS!!!!'

 

 

"Lets do this!"

 

Thorin has never seen her so happy in causing mass destruction in some weird game of hers. It was nice.

 

 

Little did any of them realize that she was the one seeking a harem quite unlikely that she even knew how many would come asking for it all of whom would want her. Right now everything was bliss.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> now my quest is complete stay tuned for the sequel!  
> 'A dance among Gems'  
> yes spoiler isn't it?
> 
> I'm working on updating my headcanon to make this fall into the somewhat same universe that I've been working on.


End file.
